I haven't written in this for a while, and I think that a lot of it has to do with me keeping more things to myself recently. I feel like I have closed up somewhat in the last few months. I have just been thinking about how it is already the end of October, and how I haven't really gotten anything productive done. It is very hard to work on a project that is due at the end of the year when I have so much work due on a daily basis that I feel brain dead by 7 pm. I really have to set some time aside this week to work everything out.
For some reason I feel like pulling an allnighter tonight, even though I know I will be fucked tomorrow. Class early. Shouldn't stay up... shouldn't even be up now... grrr... why do i do this to myself. Well one more smoke and then to bed.
Drinks, drinks, and more drinks... good conversation all around... while we disagree on the vision of the future, i really believe that everything will work out the way that it is meant to be... while i love you and hold you dear to my heart i fundamentally know that space is needed.... it is just so hard sometimes, you being the person closest to my reality and all... i apologize for all of the future transgressions, and i hope that "we will find the wide river" once again... i am quite glad that we went out, i cant imagine a better end to one of the most stressful weeks... thank you....
Oh... and I forgot to say thank you to all of the PGSGE people who sent me things for my birthday... it really cheered me up....
My roommate loves the fortune cookies, and I have the pictures hanging on my walls, thanks guys!!!!!
Well, my birthday is over. I had this incredibly stressful week, tons of work due for my econ classes, my parents coming up, stuff to do with friends, getting my ATM card stolen, losing my notebook with a completed problem set in it. Damn am I glad that it is Friday.
Went out with my dad and Alex on my birthday. It was amazing to see Alex, there was such a meeting of the minds involving the company that he has started and the one that I am trying to start. He is going to help me out with a lot of the business stuff, as even though I have previously helped to start a company I have always done the idea and programming parts, never the funding. Dad and I got a little drunk and Alex went home to finish work for school. I met up with Dave Dines and we went to go and get some beers. Fun night all around, although I paid for it yesterday morning. Went to the Top of the Hub (the restaurant on the 52nd floor of the Pru-center) with my parents last night, had an amazing dinner and a great bottle of wine. Came home and crashed.
I am going to meet up with my parents in a little while, and then I am going to go out to drinks with Steph. Tomorrow I might be going to the Symphony's opening night, they are doing Wagner's Requiem, which is awesome. Going to coffee with 'Cole on Sunday, and hopefully getting some work done. Then its back to another week of crazy amounts of work.
Sounds like I might get the Assistant Directors position for PGSGE for next summer. I have to call Lorie next week and talk to her about it. That would be so great!! I really want to go back and work there but the program really doesn't pay enough for me to just be a mentor again. This would be great.
I am irritated right now....
I thought sleep would help, but god, feeling like people might want to spend some time with me occasionally would be nice. That maybe I might just be wanted a little tiny bit in some people's lives. For god fucking sake it was my birthday dinner, and it really hurt.
Kicked everyone out around 4 as my one roommate wasn't here and the other one was very drunk, and I just wanted to get some sleep. From what everyone said it was an impressive party, (the pictures will be up soon). 125 beers down, 1 bottle of Jack Daniels, 6 bottles of puckers, 1/2 bottle peppermint schnapps, 1 bottle captain morgan.... and not that many people. Last night was a hard drinking party....
And then of course the dreams came. Passing out at 4:30 I was hoping for a full 6-7 hours of sleep, but no, as soon as I closed my eyes the dreams started attacking. From plain old weird dreams (just very vivid) to nightmares that caused me to wake up sweating and in pain from clenching my teeth too much, they just kept coming. Finally I gave in at 8:30ish and got up.
This is now a couple of nights in a row that I have had these, and while there are a lot of weird things in my life right now, none of them started just a couple of nights ago. I have been dealing with most of the issues that I have for a couple of months now, so it doesn't make sense to me why I should have these dreams.
There is a party going on right now... Lots of people, lots of beer... an ice luge... quite a good time... but yet I find myself sitting alone in my room, with tons of people just beyond the door... why oh why do I feel this way... it is quite weird the connections that can occur, and then are lost in the mists of time... one decision made differently a one moment can change the entire course of not only your history but the history of the world. What if you were 2 minutes late to meet someone and they thought you weren't coming? What if? Listening to the music in my apartment, the conversation occurring just beyond my reach, I ask myself what is the point of life? What am I here for? The Jesus picture on my wall screams out to me, fulfill my destiny.... live your life in my image, make the world a better place. Do you make it better by just letting go and letting this happen around you, or do you step in, intervene, change the course of the events around you? What is it that you should do? There is a party going on right now, and I am separated from it, I am alone in my room writing my thoughts, and no one has thought "Where is Josh" what is he doing. Sometimes I feel as if everyone is so self absorbed that they cannot look beyond their own interests for 1 minute to make sure that the world is good for someone else.
But things are positive right now... Single, able to date again, able to meet new people without having to worry about impressions, allowing myself to feel again, feel about myself, not worrying about my actions...
So its back to the party, back to the world outside of my room, back to the new experiences.....
So I haven't updated in a while. There has been a lot going on. Between the move up to Boston and school starting, I have been quite crazy and it just seems that any time that I have to myself I want to rest and sleep.
So I have been here a week, my apartment is great. 2 bedroom, living room (currently the third bedroom), pretty small kitchen, bathroom, and a nice deck. Matt is still living here until the end of the month and after that he is going somewhere, he is not sure yet. He wants to try to decide by the 25th and he is moving the 30th. That is very short notice to move out of a city that you have lived in for 5 years. I don't know if I would be able to do that.
So the living situation is good, Dave and I get along very well, and in addition, I don't really see him all that much; between my schedule and his, we spend very little time together.
Classes seem to be going well, I have a series of difficult Econ classes this semester but they just seem so interesting that I really want to do well in them.
Drank pretty heavily the other night, and it got me into trouble. Friday Steph and I went to go see Dave Dine's band playing in this crazy artists loft in South Boston. The one room had a huge tree trunk right in the middle of it, with handholds that you had to climb to get to the bed room. In that room all of the windows were in organic shapes, and there were plants all over the place. Plus they had Pilsner Urquell, a good good beer. Listened to Dave's band, cops came because of the noise. Then headed out to Craig's place out in North Alston. So its me, Dave, Steph, and Nichole comes along at some point at this Berklee party where a ton of kids from Doylestown are. Now Steph has always held animosity toward the type of people for Doylestown and so I was sure that this was going to cause problems, but everything turned out ok. I continued to drink, and I got kinda drunk. So on the walk home, I made a joke (what I thought was harmless) and Steph took offense and stormed off. Now in my drunken state I couldn't understand what the hell happened, so I pushed it. I kept trying for her to tell me what was wrong, and just kept making things worse. I should have just let it go and walked home, but being the stupid moron that I am sometimes (esp. when drunk) I fucked up. And so now I am worried how this is going to affect things between me and her. I have wanted things to go as smoothly as possible between us, and so far everything has, I just have to realize sometimes that I cant fix everything, that I just need to let things go no matter how hard that is for me, and just let life take its course. I just want to be happy, and I just want her to be happy. Why is that so difficult sometimes. Happiness should be given out when you turn a certain age... "congrats you have finished puberty, here is your lifetime supply of happiness." But it doesn't work that way... does it?
So after a pretty big row with Steph on Friday night, I returned home to attempt to sleep off whatever happened. Pretty much was lazy all day yesterday... and watched 2 movies with Dave last night, and got rip roaring drunk. So now it is today, I just finished cleaning the kitchen... time for a shower and then off into the wild wild world of Boston. I really hope that I can feel better in time... that I can learn how to stop being and idiot when it comes to feelings and the actions that follow... Most of all I just want to be happy.
I moved my brother up to lehigh today with the fam. His roommate's family was a little crazy and I hope for my brother's sake that it is just them, and doesn't extend to his roommate. When we walked in the mother was washing the walls down with bleach... and the father was scrubbing the fridge with a toothbrush. Weird.
Speaking of college, I may not graduate in the spring. BU is not transferring my credits from Prague at 4 credits a class, only 3. That leaves me 44 credits short for this year, which means 6 classes this semester and 5 in the spring. I don't think that I can do that, so in less I can get my transfer credit changed, I am going to be doing summer semester. Fun...
Well all of my friends have checked in, and I feel much better. It sounds like it was horrible for them over there, but they will work everything out.
2 nice things. Last night I saw Emily Mattheson for the first time in a couple of months. She was home from Mystic Conn. getting ready to head back to school, and she came out for Zach's birthday party. Zach's birthday party was very anti-climatic, ended up going to the Dublin Start Diner for milkshakes (the waitress not so politely informed us that she didn't make milkshakes), and we ended up just hanging out and talking. The waitress forgot my toast and we had to wait around for a while until she brought it.
Emily and I came back to my house and stayed up talking and drinking beers. Massive amounts of catching up to do. The milk delivery man came by around 3:30 and he and I started chatting. He is from the Ukraine, and we were talking about the differences between Czech and Ukrainian. Made me think of Hana and Ksenia. Anyway, he gave me 2 free ice-teas and said goodnight.
Around 4:30 an amazing storm rolled in, and we sat watching the rain and listening to the thunder. I realized how much I missed watching storms from the Wood Dining Room at Iaccoca Hall, esp. during PGSGE closing cermonies. Drove her home, and crashed out around 5:30ish.
Woke up this morning to an email from Hana which was wonderful. Allowed me to stop worrying about certain people in Prague. I couldn't get that many details because the internet is still acting up over there, but at least I know that she is ok.